One Good Conversation Could Fix It All
Today, while I was doing my chores I was slowly reflecting on our recent communication. Jokes and laughter aside, it actually made me ponder about communication and how, to me it is THE most important factor in making any relationship work.
None of us can read minds, so being able to effectively communicate with one another is imperative. And personally, for me the easiest and most practical but powerful way of communication between two people is simply having a good conversation.
I believe having one good conversation can essentially fix all problems, heal wounds, bridge gaps, bring joy and even inspire generations. It is also the bedrock of maintaining and solidifying any relationships - be it marriage, friendships, and even with our teammates at work.
Today, I'd like to share 3 important factors that I've learned from my own experiences, what makes a good conversation, and how my own relationships have been positively impacted because of these practices. I pray it will be of benefit, In Sha Allah.
1) Know the "temperature" of the situation.
Even before having any conversation, I've learned that gauging the "temperature" of the situation is incredibly important. For example, when both parties are too angry and tension are still high, then the "temperature" at that particular scene is too hot - i.e. should a conversation happen, both parties might be too defensive, too agitated, or too mad to have a calm and effective exchange.
Time and space have to be given in order for things to cool down. However, when things are left too long as it is and days pass without no party reaching out to the other then the "temperature" of this particular scenario is too cold. (I wonder if this is how the term "kepala dingin" came about 🤔)
So knowing when to have a conversation, and understanding what the temperature of the situation is, lays the primary foundation of having a good conversation. PS: I've also learned that one should not have "heavy conversations" when the other party is hungry, angry or sleepy. Timing is everything! 🤣
2) Listen > Talk.
I've read somewhere that there is wisdom in us having two ears to listen with, and only one mouth that is "gated" to speak with, i.e. one should listen more than one should speak.
Sincerely and intently listening to the other party during a conversation is incredibly important because, unfortunately, many of us only hear to respond, and not listen to empathise and understand.
It's something that I still have to consciously remind myself to do. But I realised that as soon as the other party notices that I am listening, they'll start to relax and in turn, it allows them to better articulate their points.
This is a win-win scenario for everyone, as both parties are calm, at ease, and the true intent of the conversation gets to be carried out. Also, when it's my turn to speak, the other party would give me the same respect and attention that I gave to them, and it just makes the conversation flow a lot better. There is one term that I really like when one of our friends interrupts someone else's conversation. "Gergaji!" 😂
3) Be Vulnerable and Reassure Constantly.
All great conversations require some level of vulnerability and honesty, and in order for that to naturally transpire, we have to first set up a safe and "no-judgement" zone. Re-assuring the other party that the conversation is sacred and just between you two is crucial, and I usually try to do this by choosing a suitable place, by being vulnerable myself and by comforting the other party that their thoughts and feelings are absolutely valid. Vulnerability takes courage so whenever I can, I'll do my best to remind the person I'm speaking with that their opinions matter and that they are loved.
4) Ask questions.
One of the things I've learned when it comes to communication is that when I'm unsure of anything, ask. Ask from the very source itself, and never assume what he/she means.
Something that I have started practising is whenever one of us would come to the other party to speak about things, the other person will ask, "Would you like me to just listen or would you like me to offer a solution and give advice as well?". I really love this because, to be honest, 90% of the time, I'd just like to whine and "offload" to him so my preference is for him to just listen, but on the other hand, he would usually want us to brainstorm a solution together.
5) Your whole body is a communication tool.
Yup. When you yawn, when you look at your phone, when you avoid eye contact - these are all "signs" that we give to communicate that our minds and our hearts are not present with the conversation that is taking place and that's a huge bummer and a big disrespect.
Some of the body language that I love to see in a conversation: nodding, smiling, maintaining gentle eye contact, and when that person's full body is turned and directed towards me when I speak (this is Rasulullah SAW's Sunnah btw).
These are just some of the things that really does improve the quality of my conversations, and in turn, my relationships. I'm sure there's more and feel free to share it with me if you have any!
Do you know what's funny, dear?
It's that as I was writing this list, I chuckled remembering that no list is necessary when you want to speak to Him SWT. Yes, there is adab and etiquettes to follow as to how one should "pray" to Allah SWT but whenever I converse with Allah SWT, I never have to worry about Him misreading my body signals or if He won't understand nor listen to me because my communication with Allah SWT is forever open and He is ever-Present and all-Hearing. He SWT know and understand every single word we say, or don't say! He SWT never misses a thing!
So as much as we try to better our conversations with His Creations, we should also carve out time to have our one-on-one with Him. It is these conversations with Allah SWT that fixes all.
For surely whatever it is we would like to convey to the other party, confiding in Allah SWT first, the Owner of the heart of the one we'll be speaking to, will help ease the nerves, soften all hearts, and allow all conversations to flow. ♥️
To having more meaningful conversations with our loved ones, ourselves, and our Rabb,
Sena.
Tasikmalaya, 6 July 2021
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